Fury

Woke up furious.

Went to bed furious too, so at least its consistent.

I've lost hope. I've got hindsight.

Somethings that ought to be easy, aren't. They never have been, and there's nothing to suggest that they will be in the future.

There's this chap in our warehouse, you ask him to do something, move some pallets, and he can't cos he's in the middle of something, then when he's done with that, he's busy with something more important or urgent. So for a five minute job it takes four days. I start to factor this into my plans.

"Hey Chris, when will these things be ready?"
"In a fortnight."
"But it only takes five minutes"
"Yeah, in a fortnight"

Likewise, I had the old 'six month relationship discussion' with someone in real life last night, whereby I attempt to convince them that its impossible for me to have a relationship that lasts more than six or seven months, and they attempt to persuade me otherwise, despite overwhelming empiricle evidence.

"You'll end up with someone, don't worry about hitting 30."

Its that phrase 'end up' that terrifies me, cos it happens at the end. I'll reach the grand old age of 108, after a long moderately productive life of short meaningless relationship which reach the six/seven month barrier and then for one reason or another, end, and then 108, I'll meet someone, and die. That's what 'ending up with someone' looks like.

I think my eyes might have glazed over last night. In my head I stood up and left the room mid sentence, got in my car and drove home. What actually happened was that I stopped listening and contributing to the conversation, and switched off.

I think I do that quite often when talking to people I disagree with. At some point I realise that they have no sense of empathy, no memory of conversations earlier in the evening, no basis for their theories or beliefs. I switch off. I maintain a fixed expression, and whilst I don't actually reach for right-click - block contact, the effect is the same.