Showing posts with label porn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label porn. Show all posts

Saturday, 20 November 2010

Real users

The other day I was reading an interesting article from the depths of the internet about 'real users', the vast majority of computer users and how they are different from the rest of us.

It was from 2003, some website developer was talking about how on his ISP's home page there was a link to a 'search' page, which had a list of links to that era's top search engines, like Yahoo, and MetaCrawler and so on, sites that have all but disappeared now. The article went on to say that when it was time to revamp the site, the developer got rid of the search page and just replaced it with a google search windowy thing or something, if people really wanted to use Yahoo, or Metacrawler they'd know the URL by now and could just type that into the address bar.

When they changed the website, there was a avalanche of complaints from customers who liked the old 'search page', and who couldn't find Yahoo anymore, it was like it had ceased to exist. The developer couldn't quite understand it, but it seemed the vast majority of people who used their ISP, had set the ISP homepage as their homepage and were otherwise completely lost if they couldn't just click through to search.

They are the real users of computers, people who don't quite understand the way it works or even think they need to understand they way it works.

In the comments people added their own stories of woe, stories of encounters with 'real users' who used computers every day, but didn't quite 'get' it.

Like people who don't use the address bar in their browser, they only ever get to things through having google as their homepage, and just entering everything there. The very existence of a URL is a mystery to them. This still happens, in 2008 the technology blogReadWriteWeb was lamenting how the vast majority or respondents in some market research don't use the address bar.

Even in February 2010 ReadWriteWeb did an article that had the words Facebook and Login in the title, magic google juice flowed and it became the top result when you search google for 'Facebook login'. People arrived at as site that wasn't Facebook and complained they couldn't login, three thousand or so people leaving comments along the lines of
Ok If I have to I will comment,I love facebook so right now just want to log in if thats ok with you..lol Keep up the good work...
They were completely lost.

I've grown up with computers and the internet, I have a little bit of a blind spot for how other people can not have the same understanding. The other day I was asked "What's the difference between Chrome and the internet?" Sure there are gentle answers to such questions, but all I could do was pat their hand and say "Don't you worry your pretty little head."

'Real users' get scared on Microsoft Word when you put on to make nonprinting characters visible. They're having problems with the layout, so you click the icon to see what's going on, and suddenly they protest, "No, I don't want that!", so you patiently click them off, and mystically explain that there's a few tabs there and a section break where it shouldn't be. The 'real user' looks at you in utter disbelief, wondering how you can possibly know such things.

There's something in that "No, I don't want that!" cry, it reminds me of the sort of thing my three year old niece would say.

'Real users' get confused when you move the icons around on their desktop, or if an icon gets obscured by some other window in front of it. If they can't see it, it has ceased to exist. Its like playing peekaboo with a six month old nephew "Where's teddy gone?", "There he is... behind the cushion that I just put in front of him."

Hmm, a six month old can figure this out, why can't 'real users'? What's wrong with them?

I kind of understand, in the early eighties, about eight hours after we first acquired an Amstrad CPC 464, I remember my brother playing 3D Monster Chase, I watched him for hours, my brain/eyes couldn't understand what was going on on screen, its seemed like some kind of coloured bowtie matching puzzle game, rather than the low-tech Doom clone game that it was. It was a few days before I could comprehend the image as a 3D scene.

'Real users' haven't had that epiphany yet, of realising that Windows are representations layers of panes that can be moved about. 'Real users' don't get that nonprinting characters are helpful and don't print.

The thing is, 'real users' can be spectacularly successful in their endeavors. Just pressing enter lots of times to get to a new page in Word doesn't seem to affect the success of their careers. Sure it may mess up the rest of the document if you need to change something on the first page, but that can be fixed easily.

If people knew about manual page breaks then documents wouldn't need to be 'fixed easily'.

The success of Windows and Vista comes down to making computers dead easy to use, so real users can get churning out poorly laid out documents quicker, without having to learn the ropes. Google's success was in getting to porn just by typing the one word then clicking, without having to remember any of that "http://www." business.

As someone who isn't a 'real user', a geek possibly, it dismay's me that rather than making 'real users' understand things and expand their mind's instead life just gets easier for them.

But no no, the vast majority of people are real-users.

In most offices, when you stand up and look around, most people you see are real users. They're working hard, getting stuff done, but they don't know what they're doing really.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Raising a heavy head

A few days ago, after a moan from the missus, I resolved to write some kind of feminist blog-post, or pimp some feminism story on Facebook, just anything to get me feminist brownie points. I was briefly going to write about fat, cos its a feminist issue, but then couldn't be bothered.

Until today, when I see from all over the internet that Size 16 Chloe Marshall has made it through to the Miss England Finals.

Sadly this is old news, everyone's linking to a BBC Newsbeat report from 2008, so its rising up the Most Popular Stories ranking.

As the internet goes crazy at the thought of a curvy bint in a bikini, greasy fingers double-clicking, flecks of spittle slowly oozing down chins, the BBC story becomes ever popular. But it was a long time ago. It was 2008. She didn't win, she came second, and then got signed up to a modelling agency specialising in curvy chicks, or 'BBW' as the fetish sites would call people of her size.

The BBC really ought to do something about this, like putting the date of articles in the most popular list, or some kind of timecap, anything to stop the past trending like this.

Chloe's got her own website and everything now, and its all professional like, with photies of Chloe with plenty of slap on. Alas the blog's not been updated since October and she only posted four times last year.

If you want to see her in person, she's judging the finals of Miss Natural Curves 2010 at the Civic Hall in Bedworth on Saturday 24th April 2010.

**UPDATE**
Oh Jesus Christ! Even topical news website The Daily Mash is punting this a new story in their piece MEN PUZZLED BY DEBATE OVER BOUNCY GIRLS
As the first size 16 contestant prepares for the Miss England beauty pageant, women said it was an important breakthrough while men said they could not imagine the circumstances in which this lovely big girl would be deemed unattractive.

Helen Archer, an official woman, said: "This is the culmination of years of determined struggle against a male dominated culture that enslaves women and demands they conform to a perfect ideal of sexual attractiveness."

But Nathan Muir, a completely normal person in every way from Hatfield, stressed: "What the hell are you talking about?
It was two years ago, get over it.

Monday, 1 March 2010

Blog Stat Pron - February

Good evening and welcome to my irregular start of the month look at the previous month's blog traffic stats review. According to google analytics, for February, this blog got:-
1,336 Absolute Unique Visitors
2,229 Pageviews
Compared to January's
1,309 Absolute Unique Visitors
2,405 Pageviews
Well, Absolutes are up a wee bit, total Pageviews down a wee bit, kind of satisfying considering the month has a few days fewer than other months. Its all thanks to one post which cornered the market on google traffic, but more about that later.

Statcounter reckons I had 2,151 Unique Visitors, and an average of 98 pageloads per day, up 3 from last month. Still not quite breaching the 100 ppd barrier, but getting better man. Maybe next month.

Here are the metrics of of my RSS feeds on various feed readers:
26 subscribers - GoogleReader (same as last month)
4 subscribers - Bloglines (same as last month)
8 followers - Blogger (same as last month)
Boring.

These are my top referrers for February (not including google wanderers)
1. Facebook - 76 visitors (213 friends)
2. Twitter - 36 visitors (169 followers)
3. Stumbling and Mumbling - 22 visitors
4. Mark Wadsworth - 17 visitors
5. UK Bubble - 11 visitors
6. Baby Honey - 8 visitors
7. Liberal-Vision - 8 visitors
8. ClimateQuotes - 3 visitors
9. Last.Fm - 3 visitors
10. Naked Chicks on Post-It Notes - 3 visitors
Lets take a brief moment to consider which were the most viewed posts during February.
1. The Holly Greig Story - 573 views
2. What Have I gotten myself into - the TFTA scam - 142 views
3. Origami flapping bird animation - 57 views
4. North Vs Pachauri - 48 views
5. Back to Academies International - 43 views
6. Give me my internet 7 - 37 views
7. Benefits Anxiety - 29 views
8. Names of the dead in Gaza - 24 views
9. London Indiepop EyeSpy - 24 views
10. Bookcase dreams - 23 views
The top five most popular posts that I wrote in February were:-
1. The Holly Greig Story - 573 views
2. Give me my internet 7 - 37 views
3. Benefits Anxiety - 29 views
4. I Give Up - 10 views
5. London Bloggers Meetup - 8 views
That's it belatedly for February's stat pron, until next time, take care space cadets.

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Blog Stat Pron - January

Good evening and welcome to my irregular start of the month look at the previous month's blog traffic stats review. According to google analytics, for January, this blog got:-
1,309 Absolute Unique Visitors
2,405 Pageviews
Compared to December's
1,004 Absolute Unique Visitors
1,853 Pageviews
Well, I think thats spectacular, a 30% increase. If I wasn't frantically tightening my belt and trying to spend as little money as possible, I'd be spraying champaign everywhere in celebration, instead you'll have to make do with spittle. The secret is to come up with goods time and time again.

Statcounter reckons I had 2,282 Unique Visitors, and an average of 95 pageloads per day, up around 50% from the sort of figures I was getting last year. On the back of that phenomenal success, for February I'm aiming to beat 100 ppd.

Here are the metrics of of my RSS feeds on various feed readers:
26 subscribers - GoogleReader (up 4 from last month)
4 subscribers - Bloglines (same as last month)
8 followers - Blogger (up 2 from last month)
These are my top referrers for January (not including google wanderers)
1. Facebook - 124 visitors
2. Twitter - 90 visitors
3. UK Bubble - 36 visitors
4. Mark Wadsworth - 26 visitors
5. Baby Honey - 25 visitors
6. EUReferendum - 19 visitors
7. Quick as Rainbows - 6 visitors
8. Newport City - 5 visitors
9. Nick X Spencer - 5 visitors
10. Luciana Berger - 3 visitors
Lets take a brief moment to consider which were the most viewed posts during January.
1. London Indiepop EyeSpy - 243 views
2. What Have I gotten myself into - the TFTA scam - 194 views
3. Origami flapping bird animation - 58 views
4. Pensioners burning books - 49 views
5. Bookcase dreams - 47 views
6. Back to Academies International - 45 views
7. Facebook IQ test gubbins - 39 views
8. Names of the dead in Gaza - 37 views
9. North Vs Pachauri - 33 views
10. Facebook Scramble graphs - 31 views

That's it belatedly for January's stat pron, until next time, take care space cadets.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Inevitably scannerporn.com

When the airport body scanners were first announced they said it wasn't porn, I said Rule 34. It was only a matter of time, and now by way of an anonymous comment on my blog:-

www.scannerporn.com

We saw it coming a mile away.

So, kids can't go through the body scanners cos its violates child porn laws, but adults have no choice in the matter. The government have forced us to become nude models.

Sure they can say its not porn if they want, but that's not quite the way porn works, hence the appearance of www.scannerporn.com Now the airport body scanners very definitely are pornographic.

Sure, that website wasn't quite there first, what with lingerie advertising aping the images, but still, its a neat development in the war against porn terror.

Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Body Scanner Porn the legend continues

I read on The Register:-
The proliferation of airport body scanners will spark a flurry of low-grade porn, internet conspiracy theorists claimed last week.

But officials at Manchester Airport, where full body scanning is already due to be tested, have been quick to dismiss this as urban myth. Who to ignore?

A number of websites have suggested it is a simple enough matter to transform the slightly abstract, solarised images currently taken by airport scanners and turn them into slightly fuzzed smut.
"internet conspiracy theorists claimed last week"? I was going on about it last October
...asserting that the images are not erotic or pornographic. Clearly she is unaware of Rule 34,
Rule 34 - If it exists, there is porn of it.
We're just hours away from something appearing on ffffound
Besides, Boing Boing reckons that the Technical Specs do allow for storing and sending the images.

Thursday, 31 December 2009

Blog stat pron - 2009

Good afternoon, and welcome to my summary of this blogs web traffic for the year. I know that its still a few hours to 2010 but I'm bored and have other things to do, like homework and cake making, so I'm wasting time on the internet. Without further ado here are the overall traffic figures for 2009:-

10,451 Absolute Unique Visitors
23,212 Pageviews

Thrilling stuff, I'm sure you'll agree, but I don't have the complete 2008 figures to compare it to, and as Climategate has taught us, you really need continuous data to make any comparisons. Luckily I do have complete data for 2008 and 2009 from Statcounter:-

Unique VisitorsPageloads
200917,85822,482
20087,61410,126



I've more than doubled my traffic, coolio. Lets look at statcounter's graph showing monthly traffic:-

Crazy stuff, I'm sure you'll agree. We can clearly see that returning visitor traffic has been dying off for months and months since the peak in the middle of 2008 when the kindly folks from a certain indie messageboard used to visit here often. On the other hand, pageloads have been increasing in steady chunks over the two year period, but have pretty much levelled out now. I'm going to have to start doing something different and new if I want to keep growing.

Moving on, the latest metrics for feed readers are as follows:-
23 subscribers - GoogleReader (up two from October)
4 subscribers - Bloglines (same as last month)
7 followers - Blogger (up one from October)
These are my top referers for the year (not including google wanderers)
1. Facebook - 726 visitors
2. Twitter - 657 visitors
3. EUReferendum - 249 visitors
4. UK Bubble - 198 visitors
5. Mark Wadsworth - 180 visitors
6. Iain Dale - 110 visitors
7. Matt Wardman - 85 visitors
8. Counting Cats - 69 visitors
9. Longrider - 66 visitors
10. Devil's Kitchen - 43 visitors
Lets take a brief moment to consider which were the most viewed posts during 2009.
1. Facebook IQ test gubbins - 1,031 views
2. What Have I gotten myself into - the TFTA scam - 855 views
3. Origami flapping bird animation - 579 views
4. Facebook ChainRxn graphs and hints - 516 views
5. Facebook Scramble graphs - 355 views
6. Animation with Windows Movie Maker - 351 views
7. Names of the dead in Gaza - 219 views
8. Sea level rises - 195 views
9. Band Nationalities - 160 views
10. Names of the dead in Iran - 152 views
Its a bit overwhelming, I know, but that's it for this years blog stat pron update. Thanks to all the folk who've linked here in 2009, I hope to return the favour a bit more in 2010.

Gilmour out

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Another engagement

A year ago, on this here blog I was ruminating on parallels between my dating history and the film Good Luck Chuck.

The premise of the movie is Chuck is a "good luck charm" lover. That is, women will find their "one true love" and get married after having sex with him.

Out of my own history of ex-girlfriends, up until yesterday about 80% of them got engaged to the next person they went out with.

I learnt that its now 83%.

It makes me feel uncomfortable. Somewhat apprehensive, paranoid even.

Monday, 1 June 2009

Blog stat pron - May

Good afternoon and welcome to my regular first day of the month blog traffic stats review. According to google analytics, for May, this blog got:-
920 Absolute Unique Visitors
2,027 Pageviews
Compared to April's
927 Absolute Unique Visitors
1,823 Pageviews
Uniques are down from last month, but pageviews are up a wee bit. Statcounter reckons I have 1,530 Unique Visitors, about a fiftieth of what Craig Murray gets. I'm small-fry me. Statcounter has me getting an average of 63 pageloads per day, so the target for June is 70 ppd.

Feed metrics:
11 subscribers - GoogleReader
3 subscribers - Bloglines
3 followers - Blogger
These are my top referers for May (not including google wanderers)
1. Facebook - 89 visitors (up 19)
2. Mark Wadsworth - 69 visitors
3. Twitter - 60 visitors (up 10)
4. Longrider - 22 visitors
5. Landed Underclass - 18 visitors (up 6)
6. Mark's Any Musings - 18 visitors
7. EUReferendum - 14 visitors
8. Mark Reckons - 13 visitors
9. Counting Cats in Zanzibar - 8 visitors (down 36)
10. Devils Kitchen - 8 visitors
So referrals are up slightly from last month, its funny how they change from month to month, theomorphic even. I've accepted the use of Facebook and Twitter to pimp posts here, I know in my heart its kind of cheating but "within the rules".

Lets take a brief moment to consider which were the most viewed posts during April.
1. Facebook IQ test gubbins (132 views)
2. We're from the internet, we're here to help (119 views)
3. Ranking Libertarians (84 views)
4. Guide to doing animations on Windows Movie Maker (47 views)
5. MPs self-published expenses (41 views)
6. Origami instructions (36 views)
7. Libertarian Menu (35 views)
8. Facebook Scramble graphs (34 views)
9. LIBOR spread graph (29 views)
10. Last month's blog stat pron (22 views)

Thats it for May's blog stat pron. If there's any other metrics you want to know about this blog, let me know in the comments.

Friday, 1 May 2009

Blog stat pron - April

So, according to google analytics, for April, this blog got:-
927 Absolute Unique Visitors
1,823 Pageviews
Compared to March's
1,046 Absolute Unique Visitors
2,438 Pageviews
Bit of a dip from last month's titanic heights, but still healthier than in the past. I guess its cos of not so many interesting posts, well, the Ian Tomlinson things got a lot of traffic and the link baiting lists of other blogs, everyone loves those. Must try harder for original content though.

These are my top referers for April (not including google wanderers)
1. Facebook (70 visitors)
2. Twitter (50 visitors)
3. Counting Cats in Zanzibar (44 visitors)
4. Lib Dem Voice (27 visitors)
5. Bloglines (17 visitors)
6. Technorati (17 visitors)
7. Matt Wardman (16 visitors)
8. Landed Underclass (12 visitors)
9. Liberal Conspiracy (9 visitors)
10. Brian Micklethwaite (7 visitors)
So quality posts, with original content seem to be paying off in terms of visitors more than any kind of comment pieces.

Lets take a brief moment to consider which were the most viewed posts during April.
1. Facebook IQ test gubbins (181 views)
2. Liberty or Dearth (89 views)
3. Locations of cameras round Cornhill (68 views)
4. Guide to doing animations on Windows Movie Maker (45 views)
5. Origami instructions (33 views)
6. Final moments of Ian Tomlinson (32 views)
7. Breast Cancer Bloggery (30 views)
8. Last month's blog stat pron (28 views)
9. Facebook Scramble graphs (22 views)
10. Facebook Scrambles statistics (21 views)

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

New drawings


First new drawing up on Naked Chicks on Post-it Notes in about three months, Not Safe For Work aye here

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Vic

Went to a fancy dress / Victorian era / Burlesque show. I'm not quite sure what I was supposed to be other than Victorian era gent, possibly some kind of engineer or that chap from The Time Traveller.
IMG_6381
The drawn on moustache was Nina's idea. She went as Oliver Twist's Nancy, calls herself a seamstress, indeed.
IMG_6380
I made me a top hat out of cardboard and then frantically spray painted it black. I admit I was sceptical about whether it would be any good, but iot kind of worked in a Jolly Top Hat sort of way.
IMG_6382
They wanted to use it for the meat raffle, but someone had knocked the top out of it by halfway through the night.
IMG_6388 by you.
There were burlesque acts doing their thing. They were dancing and teasing the audience.


IMG_6394 by you.
This one grabbed a hat from a gentleman in the audience and slathered it between her buxom cheeks to the cheers of the male half of the audience, the women however are still recoil horror from the memory.

IMG_6395 by you.
Top Biscuit indeed

Aye, so the burlesque folk were all part of a troupe/class where the teacher / final act of the night was Goodtime Mama Jojo

Sunday, 21 September 2008

Nuddy chick news

Crikey, over on Alison Tyler's blog Trollop with a Laptop, she's been running short sex story writing contest, where you can win one of my post-it notes. The entries are all in and folk are voting for their favourite today.

Have a look here

#3 strikes a chord with me and #6 is really nice and erotic, #9 is strangely terrifying and #11 is kind of like a Timothy Lea Confessions of a nude artist scene.

What do you think?

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Regulators

Aw man, I think I've set me a new record today, or more accurately you've set me a new record, for today so far, according to statcounter, every single person who's read this blog is a regular visitor.

I love you guys, its like I exist only for you. I want you to know that.

We've got the entire British Isles covered, from Glasgow to London, via Nottingham, and we've got reps from the great superpowers of Russia and the US of A. When you read this just think of those guys reading it next to you. Its like a big old anonymous and faceless family.

Ooh, while you're here, over on the nuddy chicks site its International Mention this Website on a Messageboard Day, there's a special post-it note and everything. So feel free to spread a little porn in those places where folk haven't yet sampled the NSFW delights of naked women badly sketched on stolen office stationary.

Saturday, 5 July 2008

A Day in the Life

A Day in the Life 03
That Bowlie mem thing where you take photies of your day. This is the first time in five years that I've actually been able to participate in it on the site.

Quite possibly the most thrilling day I've had in months, action-packed some would say. Finishing up surrrounded by red hot naked chicks.

Thursday, 26 June 2008

Revie

Oh god, I've been reviewed


Its all quite positive, not sure if its accurate. Mum's going to be so proud. Kind of puts pay to me writing any ex-girlfriend/fuck buddy-based erotic literature tonight. Instead I'm going to take a cold shower and try to stop sobbing.

Oh god, what have I done.

How did it all end up like this?

Damn you MacGuffin!

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Things and stuff

Wee a slightly unnatural yellow colour, and pain in my stomache where I think my liver or kidneys are. It could just all be in my head.

Got a mention on Sparky's Magic Piano's Facebook

One handed origami video that I haven't posted here before:-


Plimptons gig on the seventh, expect more spam closer to the time
6057813

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Mouth

Still in agony, woke up twice last night in pain after turning on the wrong side.

Work is okay, but i did get overcome with emotion and had to go and cry in a quiet corner after we managed to get some stuff done on time.

Over on Facebook, Rosie reckons if I change my profile picture I won't remain single for much longer, suggesting first I use a photo of me and my niece, and then an arty black and white one of me playing guitar.

Four hours later and it hasn't had any effect on my singularity, but I do become sad reading facebook.

Over on the nuddy chicks site, after the phenomenal success of my first venture, I'm looking around at work to find a post-it pad to do a quick "YOUR ADVERT HERE $2/week" image of the side column. If you know of anyone who'd want to advertise their wares to around 14,000 people all over the world every week, email me.

Went out last night to meet Rowan and Mark and go on the London Eye, the damned thing closes at 8pm at this time of year so we went to a pub, watched the football and I drank that Fruli's strawberry beer. Its like CAMRA alcopop.

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Success and agony

eeep, With google adsense abandoning me when I was barely up to $60, they only pay out at $100 intervals, so I had to seek other sources of revenue. By selling ad space directly to the selling folk, I can make $1/week, or if I up my prices who knows. Got the first payment yesterday. Skipping round my room think who I could spend the naked chick millions on.

Injured cheek is getting annoying. Depending on which side I lie on when I'm in bed, woke up in howling agony several times. Face is now hideously disfigured and my speech has been affected, sounds like I'm trying to chaw a whole pack of gum when I talk.

Sleep also disrupted by early morning text messages, but hey ho, I guess it comes with the territory of being the sort of person folk call in times of need and loneliness.

Still craving company and afflicted by crippling loneliness. Possibly going on the London Eye this evening with Rowan Just Joan and boyf. Would prefer warm hug and someone to tell me that beans on toast ought not be the best meal of yer week.

Friday, 4 April 2008

Failed attempt at being.

Its mostly guilt that brings me to Barden's Boudoir tonight. Sure I could claim to be a big fan of Arthur and Martha, but that would be doing a great disservice to Sharon from The Gresham Flyers who spent the best part of an hour working on me last weekend.

Since I've known half the people in the room for half a decade, but save the merest glimmer of recognition from the girl on the door, it counts for nothing. What I get, I have to get myself, like my damned fool plan to have one of the most popular political blogs in the UK, on a whim, because I can.

My car's parked just down the way, this is my first time in Stoke Newington, well, the first conscious time. A mob of locals came yahooing down the street as I locked my car, I swear one was packing heat. I'm only quite sure I'm not some kind of split personality serial killer, avenging some half-imagined crimes of the past, but sometimes I wake up in strange placed covered in blood that isn't my own.

Arthur and Martha on stage, halfway through AutoVia, my favourite song of their's, alas it the final song of the set. 'Arthur' seemed to be rocking out a little more than usual.

Summer festival appearances should be good.

I don't know if I was actively trying, maybe it was just going through the motions, I stood at the front, as near to the speakers as possible without people thinking 'he's standing as close to the speakers as possible', but I didn't hear any of the second band, save the blistering shards of an epic guitar solo and people clapping. Instead, I was in another place.

It was like in geography class or some MRPII meeting, slipping out of consciousness. Faces of girls I'd loved and any tenuous connection they had with the band before me. Memories of seeing them there or photos of the scene, glimpses like from a passing car, from too far away or the wrong side of the room. The stabbing shards of seperation, of missing something very important, of helplessness, of fate and damned bad luck.

Even in my slipping out of lucidity, I knew something was wrong and sought to guide my stream elsewhere to Manchester and Bolton and married life, anything away from the hell I occupied.

But it didn't quite work, the stabbing shafts of reality and it all comes back to east London cutting through. The here and now, crushing on what once was, or what I remember of it.

Even the reaffirming terrible truth that what I remember isn't the same as what actually happened.

The memories are wrong, incorrect, I know that for certain. But they are still the memories in my head, crystal clear, as though it was yesterday, last week, last year or a decade ago. The memories, soured by the truth.

Where the hell are the toilets in here?

I think I saw Das Wanderlust at Indietracks, but I can't for the life of me remember what they sounded like, and it would be unfair to judge them on tonight's performance considering it was mostly "imagine that last song sounded great" on the grounds that the singing girl had lost her voice, and the one song where DJ Waz played the 7" and the mimed along.

There were people behind me who wouldn't stop talking.

If asked what did I think of the evening, in an imaginary conversation with some vague acquaintance who happened to ask, I think in order to improve my quality of life I should have gone to the My Sad Captains single launch instead. I can barely control what goes on in my head, providing rope to hang myself was never going to be good and a better tunes would have been nicer.

Maybe that's unfair.

I think I've made many bad life decisions. I can't quite pin-point any of them, where or when.

Except climbing out of an eleventh floor window in 1997 and deciding to climb back in.


The oddest thing, after the bands I slouched out of the venue to scribble notes in my car, and as I drove away, I wanted to kill myself even more.