Getting all Fifth Normal Form on your ass

I've been reading up on database normalisation and thinking about how the London Indiepop Eyespy website would work.

Data normalisation is incredibly interesting, but not quite as important as what the site looks like, form dictates function here.

In the original pub game of indie eyespy, you'd spot a band member then look up how many point they are worth.

There's Stuart Murdoch from Belle and Sebastian, four points!

As many of the bands are quite obscure, it would be less likely that you'd know the names of band members, but you could still get points for identifying the person.
There's wassisname the drummer from Camera Obscura, would be worth the same as correctly remembering his name was Lee. Although, if playing indie eyespy competitively with friends, the person who get his name would claim the points.

So here we have the dilema for a website, what should it list:-

• Check boxes for each band member by name for each band
• Check boxes for numbered members for each band
• Text box for number of members spotted and leave the rest to banter

With the limitless possibilities of computing power, I'm tempted to go for option one, and make life easier for folk who can't remember names

As bands evolved and lineups changed so did the way points were allocated, for example spotting Gav from Camera Obscura would get you three points, but if you instead noted it was Gav the bass player from Stabiliser, it would be five points. However, you couldn't then claim eight points for identifying him as playing in both bands. You only get points for one person once.

So the website would need a way of dealing with the same person in many bands.

With the Skilmo website, this sort of problem was easily resolved when it processed the checklist page, each skill was only logged once, for example tunisian crochet only counted once if you clicked it in both the textile arts category and the crochet category because the program ignored categories when logging stuff.

But with indie eyespy, because of the different points values this isn't possible, and rather awesomely, this is precisely in what 5th Normal Form is about in database normalisation theory.

On the database side of things I'd need three tables:-

• List of people and their nominal point values
• List of bands and their points values
• List of which people are in which bands

Then every time the website is accessed a list is constructed by SQL of bands and their members and points values.

Then with PHP an html page is generated which displays this list, with form checkboxes and also generates so neat JavaScript which greys out people who play in different bands when you select them.

Then submitting this form should post a list of people and their points values.

The next page would get a list of the people in the database, and run through the posted data, tote up the score, and log the score.

That seems to work in my head.

Of course the list of names will be normalised with id numbers to cover for there being more than one person with the same name, and same with the list of bands.

The list of bands also needs a status column for whether a band is currently active, on haitus or split up. Cos, of course, active bands are worth more points than bands that are on haitus, but not as much as a band who split up in 1989.

And the list of which people are in which bands needs a column indicating former band members. Because, as I'm sure you understand, spotting the original guitarist from Pocketbooks is worth more points than the current guitarist.

Go Compare - Go Fuck Yersel

Just to be clear, the point of this piece is that I want to live in a world where anyone can freely graffiti billboard adverts without fear of prosecution for vandalism or hate crime. We are bombarded by outdoor advertising with no choice as to whether we see it or not, if people could freely amend adverts as they see fit, marketeers would be forced to take into account the views of local communities.

It makes me gag with frustration, there are actually people out there who think that this is a spontaneous eruption of hatred and vandalism against one specific car insurance comparison site, and not just a slightly edgy marketing job.

I'm genuinely concerned that people think that out of all the things in modern life that a spontaneous uprising of graffiti could be about, it would be about one TV advert.

Not the Aleksandr from compare the meerkats, or Churchill the disagreeable/agreeable bulldog or that dapper Admiral.

A lot of people think that its genuine amusing vandalism, then so be it.

What I think would be awesome if if some lads with spraycans went out and cranked the Go Compare graffiti up a notch and added their own unauthorised graffiti. "Go Compare - Go Fuck Yersel", "Go to Compare the Meerkat", "Go back to Italy", "Go anorexic you fat fuck"

If this is the reality that folk think they live in, then embrace it. I eagerly await the same graffiti creeping into other adverts, a wholesale takeover of billboard advertising by lads with spraycans, inspired by Go Compare.

Especially around the Olympics

That would be awesome.

Any advert that annoys you or rubs you up the wrong way, just grab your cans, don't say it, spray it. If anyone stops you, tell them you have implicit permission from the PR company to purely and genuinely express the feelings of the local community towards advertising.

When I used to stay round Shields Road in Glasgow, an area with a large Muslim community, whenever the clothing companies put up posters of scantily clad women wearing £4.99 bikini tops, a few days later the skantily clad woman would find herself covered up. Someone had been out with a ladder, a tray of black Dulux and a paint roller, and covered her modesty.

This happened a few times until the advertisers got the message that you don't do scantily clad women in some areas.

I guess in a sprawling metropolis like London, it doesn't matter if an advertiser pisses off a large section of the eyeballs.


A few weeks ago the same thing happened in Walthamstow (and Tower Hamlets according to the Evening Standard), with this year's H&M £4.99 bikini tops adverts. By Blackhorse Road underground someone had tried to paint over the skantily clad women and failed miserably, only one of the four ladies was covered.

Our awesome MP tweeted about it, we have different views on this. I think its a pure and genuine expression of a community's distaste for advertising that's vulgar in their culture, and she thinks its a hate crime. Some people feel threatened by it.

I was tweeting about it yesterday and received this

I don't really want to invoke Venn, but it is possible for graffiti to be both vandalism and hate crime, and also for vandalism to look like hate crime when it clearly isn't, in much the same way that a marketing job can look like vandalism when it clearly isn't.

One person's hate crime is another's censorship. If you're going to mush all these concepts together to match whatever your worldview is, then you'll find me up a ladder painting beer bellies on posters of Olympic Team GB and complaining that they're already airbrushed to unrealistic perfection and encourage the youth of today to develop eating disorders.

Anyhoo, the Go Compare graffiti campaign is a rather sweet anachronistic affair, harking back to a time when people did things differently.

We don't use ladders to deface adverts now, these days we use software, like on MyDavidCameron and the anti-terror hotline remix

 Alas, if Go Compare created a macro generator website, no one would use it, no one feels strongly enough about their adverts to actually go out and vandalise them.

Only in the dreams of marketeers.

Public Entertainment Licences in Glasgow

All over my twitter stream and Facebook feed Glaswegians are up in arms about the council's implementation of a change in the Public Entertainment Licence laws whereby the Scottish Parliament has devolved power down to local authorities to decide whether or not free events need to pay for an Public Entertainment Licence. Originally the Civic Government (Scotland) Act 1982 had the text:-

In this section, “place of public entertainment” means any place where, on payment of money or money’s worth, members of the public are admitted or may use any facilities
for the purposes of entertainment or recreation...

But now the Criminal Justice and Licensing (Scotland) Act 2010 has removed the bit about payment of money. According to MSP Nicola Sturgeon, its up to local councils' discretion as to whether to charge free events and event modify which sorts of events are except, not the
Scottish parliament.

I think the idea behind it was to enable councils to clamp down on free 'raves', which is kind of twenty five years too late

Anyhoo, I'm a bit far away from the action, but with a a few spare minutes I went through the websites of all the unitary authorities in Scotland and put together this google docs spreadsheet indicating which only require events where the public has to pay to have entertainment licences and which ones require all events.

Its thrilling stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.

Of the 32 unitary authorities, only three make reference to the change in legislation, 19 of them only require a licence for events where the public has to pay.

As a side note, quite a few of them use EUGO the European Union point of single contact to administer Public Entertainment Licences.

And also a great chunk of the councils have just cut and pasted the text from the Civic Government (Scotland) Act 1982, as can be seen from the use of the phrase "on payment of money or money’s worth", but some change it to "monies" which is incorrect and a minor point of pedantry. A swath of the one's which use EUGO have copied and pasted the text from EU website "If your premises are used as..."

My next scheme

I recently finished reading John Robb's book, The North will rise again: Manchester Music City (1977-1996). Its a collection of dozens of interviews with 'Manchester's proudest sons', all cut up and arranged in some kind of chronological and genre order. I found it refreshing and eye-opening: most books I've read on Manchester just cover Factory or The Smiths, but this one covers a longer time frame and black music as well as white.

It finishes just when I discovered music in Manchester in my own lifespan.

Anyhoo, long term readers of of this blog will remember my aborted project 'Glasgow Indie Eyespy: The Movie'. Churning out the script/treatment thing was quite a satisfying experience for a few weeks, but it was pretty futile in the end.

As Inuit Panda Scarlet Carwash points out "it could more appropriately be entitled The Life and Opinions of Christopher Gilmour, Gentleman", rather than the historical documenting of the Glasgow indie scene 1997 to 2009.

Maybe I could follow John Robb's template and just interview other people, then edit and compile, and spool it off as an e-book for $3 on Kindle or something.

I'd start off by interviewing folk I know and am vaguely in contact with, like the various Smiths, and then as they name-drop I pick up and paint more of the picture.

Alas, I'm 422 miles away so interviewing wouldn't be so easy. An alternative would be emailing and blogging, the questions and interviews.

Two questions:-
Can I be arsed?
Can my 'interviewees' be bothered writing it for me?

Actually, scratch that I don't think I can do it.

In my head I'd be chatting to Paul McDermot, or Smiths like Adam, Martin, Rowan and Iain, trying to get the history of the Owsley Sunshine out of Joe Kane and track down Jez from The Nova Express. But to actually write the damned thing, I'd need to be speaking to St. John McEwan from the Yummy Fur, Stevie Jackson, Stephen Pastel and Alex Kapranos from Franz, and I just can't do it. I come over all hot and bothered just standing in the same room as these people. This one time I had to run out of Mono cos Pastel was working the counter, and just last week I had to leave a gig early cos the Kapranos was stood next to me.

Then again, I am an established author, I've written booked before, I have a track record.

Hmm, gah, self-doubt.

The end the Glasgow Indie Eyespy movie

Its been a couple of weeks now that I've been hard at work drafting a damnfool idea of a movie. Loosely based on a music fanzine thing I did in Glasgow in 2004, it was going to be my answer to the movie Almost Famous.

But I hereby give up.

Last night I was at the 'Allo Darlin' / Smittens gig at the Luminaire in Kilburn. As part of their set now The Smitten do a Just Joans cover, 'What Do We Do Now'. The song is about losing touch with school friends and the bands we used to love all splitting up. 'Allo Darlin' also check the Just Joans, referring to one of their song titles.

Anyhoo, for a moment I thought is this film a vain anachronism? A relic? The awkward pause at the end of the line?

But shrugged this off, the bands and acts who'd feature most prominently in what I'd written are still kicking about stronger than ever, The Plimps, The Just Joans, The Loves, MJ Hibbett, Camera Obscura, the story I'd tell is still relevant.

Today at work, in an idle moment, I went looking on Flickr for photos of the gigs way back when. I found some neat ones from the Camera Obscura/Ladybug Transistor show at the Cottiers, and I found RJG's secret stash of all the Winchester Club fliers. I'd been trying to track down Winchester Club dates months ago when I'd first discover songkick, so this afternoon I finished putting them all in.

For a few days now I've been trying to turn my notes for the the film into something more of a story, a better capture of what I saw as being the scene back then. Should I strap in more and more bands, more promoters and clubs, more and more detail. Then I had a brainwave, I could use Songkick to reel out a list of all the gigs I went to, then just check off which ones to include in the Glasgow Indie EyeSpy movie.

Two hundred and fifty gigs.

When I saw them all laid out, the film I had in mind dissolved. I realise now I just nostalgic, trying to get back to Glasgow, trying to get back to the friends I had five years ago.

Sure everyone's still alive, the bands are still gigging, but I ain't got no time machine.

So I hereby give up on the movie.

And move swiftly on to my next time-wasting project.

It either learning java or playing guitar again.

**UPDATE**
In the interests of creative liberation here's what I wrote-

GLASGOW INDIE EYESPY: THE MOVIE

GIES - The Treatment

We can see a computer screen in a dark bedroom, we do not see who is at the computer. The screen shows the AudioGalaxy homepage, as it is functional this dates the scene as being in 2002.

In the search bar we see slowly the text "13th note" is entered, the mouse cursor clicks on Search, and after a few moments one result comes up, an mp3 called "When the Supernaturals Went to The 13th Note" by a band called "THE HECTOR COLLECTORS". The cursor moves to over the download link and clicks, we see the download bar appear.

The scene changes to a drummer (GAV) counting out the start of the aforementioned song, on stage at a small venue in Glasgow, The 13th Note. The song is about a small Glasgow band who achieved mainstream success and now finds it uncomfortable to enter small music venues, and is full of references to the menu at the 13th Note and the clientèle.

As the music plays, the scene changes to seeing the lead of the film, CLARK Hampton, put on his black leather gig-going jacket and leave his flat, we don't see his face.

The scene changes back to the stage at the 13th Note, we see the bassplayer playing.

The scene changes to a street in Glasgow, where CLARK Hampton is walking downhill, past familiar city landmarks. The scenes continues alternating, showing the sound guy, BRENDAN at the mixing desk, the rest of the band and folk sitting or standing watching the band.

The scene changes back to the stage, the lead singer ADAM, is singing with the microphone close to his face, gurning at the as yet unseen audience.

Back to CLARK slowly making his way through town, as the sun hangs low in the sky.

Back at the gig, the guitarist, Iain, is playing ironic lead guitar, ADAM jumps past him into the audience. The few standing members of the audience lurch out of his way. He falls into peoples tables, spilling drinks the punters push him away.

CLARK reaches the door of the 13th Note, it is noisy inside. His left hand begins to twitch, just like with Tom Hanks at the start of Saving Private Ryan, we see him glancing down at his hand. A girl appears, she is short, busty and blond and called Lisa, slightly tom-boyish, and friendly, she is CLARK's girlfriend, she takes his hand and leads him into the 13th Note.

There's a poster on the door saying "Tonight:- THE HECTOR COLLECTORS, [and the other bands who played that night]"

Back in the 13th Note's basement ADAM is racing round the crowd, still singing, bumping into people and knocking over their drinks, some frown at him, most just laugh and take it in good humour.

At the the door CLARK and Lisa come in, see a note on the table saying entry is £3, CLARK hands over money for both of them to Paul Smith, who hands over change from a tenner. ADAM looks over at CLARK and Lisa, he doesn't recognise them. They take a place at the bar and look back at the stage.

CLARK looks around at the venue, spots the sound guy and confides in Lisa that he's the former drummer from Teenage Fanclub, she doesn't hear him over the band so CLARK has to shout they had some chart success in the mid-nineties.

The band finish playing, everyone returns to their drinks. ADAM is in conversation with Paul, glancing at CLARK and Lisa, talking about them, Paul glances back and shrugs in reply to an unheard question. ADAM eventually makes his way over to the bar.

He directs his questions to CLARK, asking who they are and what they're doing there. CLARK explains he downloaded the track, discovered the band were playing that night and so thought he'd come along, so essentially he's a fan. ADAM explains that everyone else at the gig is a relative or school friend, CLARK and Lisa are the first actual fans.

ADAM introduces CLARK and Lisa to other members of the band DUNCAN, CHRIS, IAIN, and points out GAV at the other side of the room, Their names appear in the air before us, within a circle labelled THE HECTOR COLLECTORS. Everyone's really pleased to meet them, drinks are bought, photos are taken, much laughter and merriment takes place.

Scene Two

The next scene takes place months later, its winter, its dark, CLARK is alone walking down a street in Glasgow's leafy west end, he wears his leather jacket, and is walking to a gig.

He spots Paul Smith on the other side of the street, Paul waves, CLARK nods and smiles. They are heading to the same place, and old church which is now the Cottiers Theatre, a bar/restaurant/events space. A board outside says that tonight Camera Obscura are headlining, with ROY MOLLER and Ladybug Transistor in support.

Inside CLARK stands at the door looking at who is there, he sees GAV the drummer from THE HECTOR COLLECTORS, who glances over and nods recognition. Paul Smith is at the bar with JOHN D and Graham PinUp deep in conversation. They are joined by hairy gentleman with a mohican and piercings, this is MARTIN Smith, he is drunk, loud and intimidating.

CLARK makes his way to the bar away from people he knows, and patiently waits for a space to order a drink. The folk in front are WEE PATRICK, PASTA, MIKE and BOYBOYGIRL, they take their time making up their minds and ordering. They are people from the Bowlie community messageboard, they gossip about music, friends and Belle and Sebastian, pointing out in awe that Stuart from B&S was outside.

The lead singer from Camera Obscura, JOHN HENDERSON, works round the crowd telling them the show is about to start. The Bowlie kids are a little in awe of him. On hearing his name it appears in the air before us.

Eventually they leave the bar, allowing CLARK to get a drink. People slowly go to another room where the gig is. It is very dark in the room, the queue in is very slow, CLARK shuffles in and takes a seat at the back, glancing at everyone he recognises, and notices that GAV from the Hectors is on stage as the bassplayer for Camera Obscura.

We see this last fact displayed in the air diagrammatically.

03

The next scene takes place several months later. It is spring, the sun is high in the sky, CLARK is accompanied by a girl called Sally, she is short, curvy, with permed hair and a huge smile, some would say she looks like Sally Field. They are heading to Strathclyde University' Student's Union building. CLARK explains that ADAM from THE HECTOR COLLECTORS wanted to meet him about a 'business opportunity' which CLARK doesn't know anything about, he briefly outlines to Sally who ADAM and THE HECTOR COLLECTORS are, bedroom-based John Peel fodder. Sally probes him for what they sound like.

The two of them enter the Games Room bar, it is busy, Stereophonics are on the jukebox, there is a bunch of rugby players being boisterous. ADAM sees CLARK and Sally, and comes over. MARTIN Smith is there too, reserving a table.

Introductions are made, CLARK mentions seeing MARTIN at the previous Camera Obscura gig. ADAM explains that he and MARTIN are in another band, The Plimptons, their names appear in the air before us, they're comedy rock, and they want CLARK to be their record label/manager. CLARK explains he has no idea what that involves and then explains what he thinks it would involve and how it would work “I've got no idea how to be a manager, I'd have to book gigs and speak to the guys who run the venues like Mig at Sleazys or ERIC at King Tuts or Brendan at the Note, and then you'd have to play out of Glasgow, at where are you from? Motherwell, well, there's Starka there, they don't have a gig booker but the barstaff take demos, and in Edinburgh, god I haven't a clue, there's the indie music society at the university who might be able to help out. But as far as releasing a CD or anything, I'd just have to burn it on my computer, I can print out pretty good quality inlays and order up a load of cases, but that would just be for a few hundred copies, any more then we'd have to go to a proper CD duplication place and printer, but that'll all be depending on how many copies you sell and how much you want to sell them for. Like the bom cost for homemade one's is about 50p. We'd have to send them off to John Peel, the Evening Session, Radio Scotland, XFM, NME, Melody Maker, Mojo, Q magazine, is Select still going? Comedy rock, maybe Viz too, is Oink comic still going? And then there's the drive round the country dropping off copies at record shops in Bolton, Manchester and Liverpool” He reels this off leaving the others somewhat surprised, they stop him and explain that's exactly why he should be manager, they get more drinks in. Whilst ADAM and MARTIN are at the bar, CLARK is scribbling notes on the back of a flyer, and bouncing ideas off Sally.

They explain they have a gig the next night at the RSAMD, CLARK should come along and have a listen.

03.02

At the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama, CLARK wanders in to find ADAM, MARTIN and their keyboard player playing to a large room, with four people sat amongst many chair laid out in rows.

The Plimptons are performing their rock opera “The Captain August Trilogy”, its a slow prog-rock type piece involving some captain who gets eaten by a whale, then travels to the moon and become like king of the moon or something and then eats too much cheese so he falls back to earth and burns up on re-entry, then thousands of years later his DNA is used to clone him and so on. We only catch snippets of this as members of the audience come and go.

Afterwards ADAM asks CLARK what he thought and whether he has his car with him, as they need to go to the 13th Note cos The Poppadoms are playing.

They race across town to burst into the middle of the Poppadoms gig. They are a five-piece, with trumpet and trombone, lead by a singing acoustic guitarist, all dressed in paper boiler suits.

ADAM explains who the various members of the Poppadoms are, what bands they were in, this appears in the air before us. He points out that ROWAN the drummer is in THE BOY CARTOGRAPHER with DUNCAN from THE HECTOR COLLECTORS, this appears as a Venn diagram in the air before us.

04.01

A month or so later we rejoin CLARK in his bedroom, printing CD inlays and burning CDs on his computer, piles of half constructed CDs cover the bed. There's cardboard cut to the net for boxes to hold batches of CDs. There's posters on his wall of famous band managers, Kevin Sampson, Bill Drummond, Tony Wilson.

There's also a clock.

CLARK glances at it, swears, and quickly loads twenty or so completed CDs into a cardboard box, he pulls on his black leather jacket, and heads to the door,
rushing past his flatmate QUARKY who is playing Playstation with his feet up.

04.02

We see him hurrying down a street in Glasgow's leafy west end, its dark.

He runs down stone steps, and is hailed by a girl wearing stripey clothes, she asks directions for the Woodside Social Club, CLARK is going there and offers to show her the way, she is JOSEPHINE, she intends to meet up with some friends at the Woody.

They cross the mighty river Kelvin, and eventually arrive at North Woodside Road, outside the Woodside Social Club, there's a long queue and we can here New Order playing inside. CLARK and JOSEPHINE push in to the front of the queue.

Paul Smith is working the door, it is a National Winchester PinUp League club night, entry is £4, but you get a free cupcake. Paul asks about the CDs, CLARK hands him one.

CLARK heads inside. JOSEPHINE tags along with him. He quickly scans the room and finds ADAM and MARTIN, they greet him and ask after the CD, he shows them the box, MARTIN takes one gets up and heads to the DJ booth. CLARK points out people in the crowd to JOSEPHINE, Stuart from Belle & Seb is there, as are members of
Camera Obscura, and Franz Ferdinand and Arab Strap. Their names appear in the air before us.

JOSEPHINE spots her friends, the Bowlie folk, PASTA, MIKE, BOYBOYGIRL and PATRICK from the Camera Obscura gig, sat round their own table. JOSEPHINE introduces CLARK to them.

The DJ is GAV, John Hunt stands nearby, MARTIN Smith shows GAV the Plimptons CD single, GAV takes it has a look, has a quick listen on a CD walkman, nods approvingly, looks over to CLARK and ADAM, and nods.

MARTIN gives a big thumbs up.

The New Order song comes to an end, and silence fills the room as GAV puts on the new CD, in the silence people start grumbling, and turn to look at the DJ booth. GAV hits play, “Could I Be Loved” plays.

People in the crowd look at each other with 'what the fuck' expressions, then begin to smile as the hear the lyrics. CLARK and ADAM look anxious, but slowly relax. Kapranos, the singer from Franz Ferdinand, is stood nearby, a girl asks him to sign a Franz CD, and then goes away. We see that Kapranos is tapping his foot to the Plimptons song, CLARK notices this and tells ADAM.

05

A week later, CLARK is in his bedroom, CDs all boxed up, stacks of envelopes addressed to the BBC and other radio stations and magazines. A girl lies naked on the bed, she is LYNSEY, short, thin, with long dark hair.

CLARK is hard at work on the computer doing repetitive keypresses. Lynsey asks what's so important, CLARK explains that there is a vote on Radio Scotland, the Plimptons versus Glasvegas, and the Plimps are just about winning. How does he know, because he has graphs and a spreadsheet. Yes its cheating, but then so are Glasvegas. Its important, they'll get played on national radio. We've got an album coming out soon, it'll help.

CLARK puts the radio on, as Lynsey pulls on her clothes in a huff. A song by the band We Rock Like Girls Don't finishes, Lynsey leaves, slamming the door behind her.

The radio DJ announces that the Plimptons have won. CLARK runs out into the street to chase down Lynsey, but has lost her. He heads back inside, and is met by QUARKY who holds acup of tea and asks what that was about.

06

A week later it is the Plimptons album launch in Motherwell, the band are loading their stuff into Starka, the town's rock pub. CLARK pulls up in his wee car. He has a moustache and is wearing a businessman shirt and tie under his leather jacket. ADAM is at the door, peering this way and that down the street. They greet each other, CLARK asks who ADAM is waiting on, the support act.

Inside the band set up and soundcheck. CLARK sets up a merchandise table, and puts up posters advertising the album. ADAM walks past looking flustered.

At Motherwell trainstation, a train arrives, a gentleman step out, we only see he feet, and then as he walks down the platform we see he carries a large guitar case.

The pub part of Starka slowly begins to fill up with people. ADAM sees each person in through the door. CLARK carries a box of albums, sees MIKE, PASTA, and BOYBOYGIRL from bowlie. They recognise CLARK, comment on his moustache, to which CLARK launches into a cheesy sales pitch for the album, selling it like snake oil, promising it will change their lives. They take it in good humour and reserve judgement until after they see the band.

The mysterious gentleman from the station, is MJ HIBBETT, he walks slowly through Motherwell, putting his guitar case down to consult a map.

At Starka, the people in the pub slowly shuffle their way up stairs into the gig venue bit, CLARK pushes past in order to take up his position behind the merchandise stall. Paul Smith is manning the door, entry is £5. JOHN D and Graham come through, they reach the merchandise stall and buy a copy each for £5. ADAM is looking nervous and runs to look down the stairs. The sound man, a gristled punk, finds him and urges him to the stage as things are running late.

MJ HIBBETT arrives outside Starka, puts his guitar case down, looks up at the building, picks up his case and goes in.

ADAM on stage with the microphone, he explains that this is the Plimptons album launch, and blusters until HIBBETT appears at the door, ADAM introduces him as the support act. He takes to the stage, gets out his guitar and plays Hey Hey 16K.

Great time is had by all. After the show, ADAM, Mark and CLARK are chatting, ADAM introduces everyone. The MARTIN is dismantling the stage and equipment with Paul Smith, they shake everyone's hands. A lot of money has been made on the door, and from selling albums, the door money is liberally distributed. CLARK in full manager mode keeps a tight hold of the album money in a metal box.

7.01

The Plimptons are playing at the Tchai Ovna tea house in Glasgow's leafy west end, it is a small venue, the band look cramped at the front. The audience include JOE SUNSHINE and TOM SNOWBALL and a couple of random folk who've wandered in for a cup of tea.

CLARK chats with ADAM about a gig the next night, the gig is in Edinburgh, supporting Data Panik, CLARK makes out it is the biggest gig they've played so far, with a band that kind of played Top of the Pops. This could be the Escape from Glasgow that other bands never get, a whole new audience instead of the same people who usually show up, it could make or break the album.

The Plimptons start playing, THE MIGHTY SWORE messes up the keyboard intro to a song. MARTIN SMITH gets angry with him and send him out, swearing that they'll play the rest of the set without him. THE MIGHTY SWORE has another go at plying the intro, messes up again. MARTIN kicks him out of the band.

After the show CLARK runs round changing MARTIN's mind about SWORE and then persuading SWORE to play the next gig essentially as a session musician, and he'll be paid a guaranteed sum for it.

07.02

Gig at the Teviot in Edinburgh, Amanda Rin from Data Panik is pissed off that there are so few people there, the gig is running late and she wants to get home early, CLARK shrugs. THE MIGHTY SWORE steps in and suggests that Data Panik go on stage first. Amanda is not impressed and storms off.

The Plimptons play the gig to a crowd of five people. MARTIN gives a farewell speech for THE MIGHTY SWORE, the five people clap politely.

Afterwards ADAM and CLARK are chatting, well that was a bit crap, ah well, there's always the next album, its already written. What about a new bass player, something will turn up.


08

Months later CLARK drives to Manchester, Bolton and Liverpool, he is without his leather jacket. During the day he goes to records shops, dropping off copies of
the Plimptons album.

In the evening he goes to a gig at The Cavern, and meets a friend, Alicia she is ginger and glam, they are very familiar with each other, but not intimate. They have a couple of drinks, chat about old times and stuff.

“You're okay, but you're not a rock god like Simon Love, up there on stage”

A band take to the stage, the singer introduces himself and the band. They are The Cardiff Loves, they play songs from their last John Peel session. They're kind of sleazy glam pastiche. Alicia loves it, she rushes to the front of the stage and dances and reaches out of Simon the charismatic lead singer.

CLARK lurks at the back and glowers with jealousy. He wants to be the guy on stage with girls reaching for him.

08

Days later CLARK is in his bedroom, he fishes out guitars from under his bed and starts tuning them and poncing about in front of his mirror. QUARKY walks past the bedroom door with a cup of tea, sees CLARK poncing and roles his eyes.

QUARKY takes up his usual position in front of his Playstation, but has a bass guitar, he puts in some headphones and we hear him play The Plimptons keyboard
intro that THE MIGHTY SWORE had previously messed up.

08.01

City of Glasgow streets by night, CLARK is heading to Nice N Sleazys, but on the way he bumps into WEE PATRICK on a street corner, down the way from the Art School. He hails CLARK, asks about the guitar, CLARK explains he's trying a new career. WEE PATRICK asks where he's come from, Glasgow's leafy west end, has he seen Stuart? Why? They're gonna meet up with THE FRENCH GIRLS. Who are THE FRENCH GIRLS? Some girls who come from France.

08.02

Later it is the open mic acoustic night at Nice N Sleazys, a small venue in Glasgow with a similar vibe to the 13th Note, but a bit more Art Schoolie. The room is half full, the audience sits in silence.

Some weirdy beardies finish playing, the crowd clap enthusiastically. CLARK has spent ages in his bedroom practising for this, the compare calls out his name from a list, he gingerly takes to the stage, straps on the communal guitar, taps the microphone. The audience includes JOE OWSLEY SUNSHINE, TOM SNOWBALL and ALPHA MITCHEL, they heckle and jeer for CLARK to start. BOBBIE, a dapper fellow, lurks at the back, watching intently.

He launches into an out of tune, badly sung song about getting dumped on Christmas Eve in BurgerKing in 1993.

I got dumped for Xmas,
Now my baby miss her,
But she dumped me
In BurgerKing
On Christmas Eve
1993
I just want to kiss you
Under the mistletoe
I want to snog
on the back of the school bus
But she dumped me
In BurgerKing
On Christmas Eve
1993
I bought all these presents
I don't want to give them
I bought you sweets
and chart CDs
But she dumped me
In BurgerKing
On Christmas Eve
1993
The crowd remain silent, then embarrassingly clap, JOE SUNSHINE heckles and TOM SNOWBALL laughs.

CLARK flees in embarrassment.

09

Weeks later it is the day of the Bowlie Alldayer at The Pleasure Unit in Bethnal Green. The sun shines outside, crowds of people drink, CLARK marches into the venue with an electric guitar. A sign on the door lists the bands due to play, including the Gresham Flyers, Brunettie, Wintergreen and "CLARK Hampton presents The CLARK Hampton Experience featuring CLARK Hampton".

Inside everyone sweats profusely, a member of The Gresham Flyers is the compare for the day, he introduces CLARK Hampton, the crowd falls silent, as CLARK takes to the stage. He plugs in his guitar, and slowly scans the crowd, see BOBBIE at the back, and also Sally, the girlfriend from the Plimptons manager recruitment evening, she's stood at the side, chatting to her new boyfriend.

CLARK starts cautiously, stops turns to the sound guy and asks if it sounds okay, he then apologises to the audience, explaining that its his first proper gig, he plays a song about a girl he met on a canoeing trip in the Lake District in 1995 who then went off with some other guy, the song is in G and has a throbbing driving bassline, it neatly segues into the guitar solo from The Stone Roses's Waterfall and then into You Shook Me All Night Long by AC-DC.

The crowd applaud politely after the song, CLARK shuffles from the stage, dripping with sweat. BOBBIE gets him a drink.

Time passes, DJs play music, people in the crowd dance.

Lisa is very friendly with everyone, but CLARK refrains from talking to her, occasionally they glare at each other.

Before the end of the night CLARK grabs his guitar and leaves without saying any goodbyes, just nodding to BOBBIE.

10.01

In Glasgow, on a Sunday lunchtime, CLARK is in the 13th Note cafe drinking cappucino and brandy, with a bowl of spicy chips. ROY MOLLER strolls in with his guitar and meets friends. Brendan the soundguy is at the bar chatting to FiFi the spunky barmaid. ADAM comes in with Andy from Q Without U. They greet.

Aiden Moffat from Arab Strap walks past, ADAM comments on this, Aiden Moffat seems to be everywhere in Glasgow. ADAM always sees him in record shops, CLARK
always sees him on Sauchiehall Street.

CLARK asks ADAM if he knows anything about THE FRENCH GIRLS. A band? No, just three French girls.

CLARK finishes his drink and wanders out, across the street to Mono. Members of Dananananaykroyd and The Errors are there, WEE PATRICK is working behind the
bar.

BOBBIE comes in, CLARK sees him, greets and then reels off everyone he's seen who he recognises. BOBBIE points out that Stephen from The Pastels is working in the record shop nearby, which is a better spot than Aiden Moffat.

CLARK starts talking about how if you were playing Glasgow Indie Eyepsy, you'd get more points for Aiden Moffat as he's had more recent chart success. The two of them start talking about Glasgow Indie Eyespy.

Then BOBBIE asks if CLARK is going to the big Belle and Sebastian gig at the Botanic Gardens a week later, there's going to be a Bowlie internet messageboard meetup at the Woodside social club later. CLARK should go, loads of people from the London gig will be coming up.

10.02

Party at BOYBOYGIRL's. CLARK turns up first with a four pack. He and BOYBOYGIRL sit in silence for a bit, she puts on music. Other people arrive.

BOYBOYGIRL, BOBBIE, SASKIA, GAV, CAMERA OBSCURA's JOHN HENDERSON, ERIC, MIKE, PASTA sitting round drinking, everyone kind of knows each other. Chatting about this and that. BOBBIE playing on a Casio VL1.

Doorbell rings, BOYBOYGIRL lets in three stylish looking girls, she does not know them, but they heard the music and thought there was a party.

When they enter the room with everyone else CLARK looks up, thoughtfully and says "Bonjour", for these are THE FRENCH GIRLS.

The party continues, more booze is drunk.

GAV, CLARK and ERIC talk about Glasgow Indie Top Trumps, what would the variables be? drunkeness, chart success, ubiquity? Start talking about ubiquitous Glasgow indie people. Then the idea of Glasgow Indie EyeSpy arises.

What about people you see in crowds who aren't in bands, but you still see them around, like THE FRENCH GIRLS. Who knows.

10.05

The next scene we see CLARK hunched over his computer in his bedroom at night, designing the fanzine of Glasgow Indie Eyespy, printing out each sheet, putting it back in the printer to print the other side, carefully cutting each page, folding and stapling them together, finally putting them in a cardboard box.

Flatmate QUARKY wanders in, asks if he's busy and offers to make PASTA for him.

11

The next day it is the big Belle and Sebastian gig at the Botanic Gardens the place is packed. CLARK paces around in his leather jacket, cardboard box under his arm, looking for people he know. He sees BOBBIE, and gives him a copy of the fanzine. PASTA and MIKE appear, he gives them copies too, they're enthusiastically devour it.

The bands play on stage, CLARK wanders the crowd, spotting Bowlie folk from the London Alldayer, and gives them copies.

Eventually he bumps into ADAM and MARTIN, and gives them his last copy, explaining the rules and everything. We can see in the crowd people with copies of the fanzine spotting other folk in the crowd, smiling and laughing. A couple of girls from Edinburgh are directed over to CLARK, they include Minnie who wears a large bow in her hair and a buxom dark haired girl called Claudia Tidalferry. They ask him for a copy but he has none. ADAM hands over his copy, the girls are very grateful.

CLARK is loving it.

Night falls, at the Woodside Social Club, the clubnight National Winchester PinUp League is going on, JOHN D is working the door, he has a stack of bootleg photocopies Glasgow Indie Eyespy with him, as he takes money off folk coming in £6 he's tries selling copies.

CLARK arrives, JOHN D waves him in, CLARK picks up the fanzine and laughs, JOHN D mentions a few bands who are missing from it. CLARK explains its supposed to be free, JOHN D argues the benefits of capitalism, and offers to buy CLARK a pint.

Dancing, singing and laughing. CLARK leaves on his own, smiling with pride, he has a success on his hands.

12

A week later CLARK is in Edinburgh, strolls past landmarks and wanders into a cafe called Chocolat or something. Claudia Tidalferry is waiting for him, she has ordered hot chocolate and belgium chocolate waffles for them both.

She has issues with Glasgow Indie Eyespy, isn't it just a stalker's charter, and intrusive? No more so than celebrity gossip magazines but this is directed at the local music scene, and whilst mainstream bands are covered, you get just as many points for recognising the smaller bands, which can only help them.

CLARK changes the subject and asks if Claudia is going to the Plimptons gig that evening, with the more popular act Data Panik headlining. She says no as she doesn't like The Plimptons, despite CLARK's patronage.

CLARK withdraws slightly at this.

That evening The Plimptons are in Edinburgh for a gig at the Teviot Student's Union. The gig has been put on by Edinburgh Uni Indie Society, the other girls from the B&S gig, they are happy smilie people.

He is introduced to David JUST JOANS, who has a demo tape, Last Tango In Motherwell. David is awkward and sheepish, the tape is just something he put together in his bedroom. ADAM points out he took five years to record it, CLARK's got to listen to it, and put it out on his record label.

The Plimptons are called to the stage and play their set to a crowd of about five people.

14

After the gig the band load up CLARK's car with their kit, bid him farewell as they head off to get drunk and CLARK is left to drive back to Glasgow, all the Plimptons kit is loaded in his car, he has to have the seat as far forward as possible. Its dark outside and raining.

After driving for a while in silence, he fumbles around in the Plimptons kit and pulls out the JUST JOANS tape, he takes a look at it, and slots it into the car tape player.

Friday Afternoons at the Union starts playing. The hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and he has to pull over to listen to it. His eyes well up. He closed his eyes and casts his head back.

15

Weeks later at the Tchai Ovna tea house in Glasgow's leafy west end, the place is packed JOHN D is there, Duncan from THE HECTOR COLLECTORS, MARTIN, BOBBIE, CLARK is there holding hands with a glamorous dark haired girl, SASKIA, he clutches a cardboard box of JUST JOANS CDs with “£10 each” scrawled on the side.

People are standing outside, clustered round the door trying to see in, JOE OWSLEY SUNSHINE and TOM SNOWBALL are outside chatting to ADAM about the gig.

ADAM squeezes his way to the front, where David JUST JOANS and Chris from THE HECTOR COLLECTORS are sat with guitars, facing the audience. ADAM picks up a microphone, and introduces the JUST JOANS. They start playing When You're Old and Lonely.

The audience are silent in awe, digital cameras poised. SASKIA turns to CLARK, smiles and hold his hand tighter. Goose pimples form on her legs.

Later CLARK is outside selling copies of the CD, he soon runs out of them, and starts taking people's money and they address to mail out copies later. JOHN D materialises and says be has a business proposition and to meet him at the 13th note tomorrow.

SASKIA comes out of the Tchai Ovna looking for CLARK as its time to leave.

CLARK, the Plimps and The JUST JOANS wander off into the night.

16

JOHN D, CLARK and ADAM at the the 13th note over cappucino, brandy and spicy chips JOHN D offers CLARK and the Plimptons their very own club night, just like The Zoo Club in Liverpool in 1979, where Bill Drummond had The Teardrop Explodes playing every night. JOHN D has a free night at the Woodside Social Club, they can charge as much as the like on the door, as long as the sound guy gets paid they can do whatever they like. ADAM thinks they should take it. CLARK isn't so sure, but acquiesces.

17

Montage of CLARK and ADAM and MARTIN putting posters up around Glasgow advertising the Plimp Up club night featuring MJ HIBBETT. We see them chatting to people, BOBBIE, WEE PATRICK, MIKE and PASTA, urging them to come along.

18

It is the night of the gig, at the Woodside Social Club. The place is empty, MJ HIBBETT finishes soundchecking talks about stuff with the sound guy then goes to the bar for a quiet pint. ADAM and CLARK are pacing around, checking out the door, but there is no queue. MARTIN is manning the desk where they usually take punters money, and has an empty tin. He says they should have made cakes.

CLARK gets on the phone to SASKIA, but she's in London for the weekend.

ADAM checks the street again.

PASTA and BOYBOYGIRL arrive for the gig, asks if anyone else is there, and hand over the £4 entry fee. They ask if there's any cake. They get drinks and grab a table.

Time passes, they drink more, no one else turns up.

MJ HIBBETT, the trooper, shrugs and takes to the stage, launching into his classic song of lover in the IT community It Only Works Because You're There.

After the gig, ADAM, MARTIN, CLARK and MJ HIBBETT are standing near the door, the sound guy is packing up his mixing desk and speakers. MARTIN's money tin bears £8, ADAM hands it over to HIBBETT for his taxi fair, wishing him a good trip back to London. He leaves with his guitar.

ADAM, MARTIN and CLARK bicker over whether cake would have made a difference, whether they put up enough posters, maybe 500 wasn't enough, what happened to everyone who said they'd come, etc, jesus christ, I knew this was a shit idea. I can sit in my bedroom and make stuff on my own, I can even make you guys sound good, but I'll be damned if I can make other people bend to my will. CLARK starts swearing.

The sound guy approaches asking for his money. ADAM, MARTIN and CLARK run like fuck.

A few streets away they stop and burst out laughing.

19

CLARK sits in his bedroom with his guitar, he strums a few chords but is displeased by the sound. He sets up his wee digital camera and presses record then strums again. He stops the recording, and has a look at the playback.

He is satisfied with the results. He records a whole song and uploads it to YouTube.

The next night he checks youtube again and finds that there's been a hundred or so views. So he sets up the camera again, and records another song, this time with an introduction. He fumbles his words referring the recording being live from Glasgow and like the one last night, last night from Glasgow.

The next day he checks youtube and sees even more hits, so he records a load more songs.

The next week he drags The Plimptons into his bedroom and gets them to record songs.

The youtube hits keep racking up

He brings in The JUST JOANS,

He shows bands what it looks like on his laptop in the 13th Note and so brings in The Owsley Sunshine and so on.

QUARKY sticks his head in every so often to ask about the racket.

After a montage of a few more bands CLARK gets in a bit of a state cos he's run out of bands he knows. He tells QUARKY of his problem, he says he'll see what he can do to help and fumbles in his own room for his bass guitar, hands CLARK a 'Lone Ranger' mask and starts calling people on the flat telephone.

In the next scene we see it from the camera view.

A four man band wearing black shirts and lone ranger mask, CLARK, with lone ranger mask and guitar introduces the band as The DEEP FRIED WOLFKNUCKLES, QUARKY is the singer, hollering in the rockabilly style reminscent of Billy Childish, but playing covers of Magnetic Fields.

20

CLARK, QUARKY and ADAM getting drunk round town during the day laughing. They end up at the Cottiers Theatre, TOM SNOWBALL on stage, he waves to CLARK. CLARK QUARKY and ADAM join JOE OWSLEY SUNSHINE at the bar, CLARK gets served immediately. More drinks are consumed.

QUARKY goes off with some girl.

CLARK bids everyone farewell, very drunk and heads back to his flat on his own.

21

CLARK stumbles into his bedroom, switches his computer on, then goes for a piss. When he returns he logs onto Facebook. Claudia starts chatting to him.

We see CLARK's fingers typing and his lips mouthing the words he's reading and typing.

His eyes well up.

He stands up suddenly, exasperated with what he's reading. He kicks his computer off.

A few moments later his mobile phone rings, he looks at the display then chucks it out of the house.

He fetches a bottle of vodka as the flat phone starts ringing. He hides in his room, under a desk drinking the vodka neat, sobbing.

Time passes. We see him stagger out of the flat, clutching the vodka, pulling on his leather jacket, fumbling for his car keys. He gets into his car and drives away from Glasgow.

He drives through the night, still drinking the vodka and wiping his eyes.

His DEEP FRIED WOLFKNUCKLES lone ranger mask appears on his face, and just as quickly disappears.

We see him driving from the same angle as the Last Night From Glasgow webcasts, playing guitar as he drives.

We see him spotting ROY MOLLER at the side of the road referring to the Glasgow Indie EyeSpy fanzine.

Still driving, we see him being handed a coffee by the Fifi from the 13th Note, but it changes into his vodka bottle.

His see is pushed forward by all of the Plimptons gear and kit loaded into the back of his car.

The sun rises and he still drives. Road signs show he is driving south.

22

It is the middle of the day, we see CLARK's car pulled over at the side of a motorway, he is slumped half out of the door, asleep in a pool of his own vomit.

He slowly rouses himself, mops the vom of his face, and staggers to his feet, distangling a foot from his seatbelt. He looks up to see a road sign announcing London is 20 miles away. He abandons the car and trudges south

23

Night begins to fall in Highbury, CLARK walks towards the Buffalo Bar, people are queuing outside.

CLARK glances down as his hand begins to twitch as it did before that Hector Collectors gig at the start.

24

Inside the Buffalo Bar, looks like the Black Lodge in Twin Peaks, flickering lights. The London Loves are on stage, they start playing She'll Break Your Heart as CLARK walks down the stairs. CLARK stands at the back and watches them, MJ HIBBETT spots him and says hi, then wanders off.

CLARK is stood at back, weeping.

Glasgow music's Kevin Bacon

I got distracted at work and started putting together a Rock Family Tree of the Glasgow music scene 2002 to 2007. Not every band mind, just the ones I remember.

Vaguely bands can be split into are two axis, those with overlapping members of David Roy's bands:-

• Sputniks Down
• Multiplies
• Dananananaykroyd
• TextAdventure
• Errors
• Remember Remember
• Data Panik
• Simplestorm
  
• And many more

And those with overlapping members of Chris Elkin bands, namely

• The Hector Collectors
• Dot To Dot
• The Just Joans
• Bricolage
• The Plimptons
• Sexy Kids
• Veronica Falls
• and many many more
  

As far as I can find there's only one chap who's palyed in bands with both Chris Elkin and David Roy and that is the legend Duncan Robertson. He's like Kevin Bacon for degrees of separation.

My Duncan Robertson number is 2, I was in a band with Adam Smith who was in the Hectors with Duncan.

Although, rather than individual people, there are bands with overlapping members of both David Roy and Chris Elkin axises, like The Royal We and Sexy Kids.

Its too complicated to fit into a Rock Family Tree and a Venn Diagram isn't really going to do justice to all the linkery. Any suggestions?

There was the old Hectors family tree I ran up in '05, but its both inaccurate and too iconoclastic for my 2010 purposes.

Then again, until I dug it up a few moments ago, I'd forgotten all about Simplestorm.

I've still gotta figure a way to neatly weave it all in to my eagerly anticipated Glasgow Indie Eyespy movie, without iot become too much of a documentary. Its supposed to be drama. I reckon that in twenty years time, they'll be making movies about Dananananaykroyd's succession of lead singers and drummers, so why wait when we could get the hottest actors to play them now.

Last Night From Glasgow: The Movie

Almost Famous was on TV again last night, I love that film, it brings back memories of when I was a music journalist for The Strathclyde Telegraph the internationally-acclaimed student newspaper. I was there back stage with all the best bands of the era, Idlewild, Soulwax, Toploader, Queen Adreena and the mighty Animal House, poised with a dictaphone and notepad. Whilst it was fun there and then, I don't recall if any of my interviews and writings were ever published.

When it came to writing up my notes I just couldn't come up with anything that I thought people would want to read.

Sure I can write "The Crazy Adventures of when Chris Gilmour met Meg White at a Soledad Brothers gig" but its hardly a compelling piece about either of the bands.

But every time I watch Almost Famous, I feel that urge, that calling to envisage what my movie would be like, what scenes would stand out. Not the mainstream bands of the day as previously mentioned, but those smaller bands that I've followed religiously.

Because all it would be would be a series of scenes strung together, without any story or plot as such, maybe a bit of narration and fourth wall breaks explaining the Pete Frame-like rock family tree links between bands.

GLASGOW INDIE EYESPY: THE MOVIE

01 Int: 13th Note basement, Glasgow
Hector Collectors on stage (drummer from Camera Obscura, bass player from Dananananaykroyd, guitarist from Just Joans)
Adam Smith meets 'Craig' as the first person to come to a show who isn't a school friend or family, Craig downloaded a song from the internet (AudioGalaxy) and thought he'd come down, in effect, their first fan.
video link

02 Int: Cottiers Theatre
Camera Obscura gig, 'Craig' notices people in crowd from Hector Collectors. Also Bowlie internet messageboard people
video link

03 Int: Strathclyde university students Union, Glasgow
Plimptons at the games room bar, Adam and Martin recruit 'Craig' as their manager, all parties are pretty clueless as to what this involves

04 Int: Woodside Social Club, Glasgow
At National Pop Winchester League Club night, Gav from Camera Obscura and The Hector Collectors plays the first Plimptons single, crowd includes Franz Ferdinand's Alex Kapranos who starts tapping his foot, and Belle and Sebastian.

04.1 Int: Craig's bedroom
After spending days hunched over his computer rigging a vote on the BBC website The Plimptons single wins record of the week or something, beating another called Glasvegas who later go on to have a number one album.
video link

05 Int: Starka, Motherwell
Plimptons album launch, They sell lots of copies to friends and family. MJ Hibbett is the support act, Adam introduces him to 'Craig'

06 Int: Cavern, Liverpool
The Cardiff Loves are on stage. 'Craig' has driven down to see them, as Simon Love introduces the band and something about a Peel session, 'Craig' gives them the evils.

07 Int: Nice n Sleazy, Glasgow
'Craig' takes to the stage at the packed acoustic open mic night, straps on the guitar, tries to play one of his own compositions and shits a brick

08 Int: Pleasure Unit, London
Gresham Flyers play the Bowlie Alldayer, 'Craig' has used his well leet internet powers to wrangle himself a slot at the Bowlie internet messageboard's all day gig thing. 'Craig' takes to the stage, launches into one of his own composition, goes down like a turd birthday cake

09 Int: 'Craig's bedroom
Craig hunched over his computer and printer, churning out copies of the Glasgow Indie Eyespy fanzine (Glasgow Indie Eyespy was a celebrity and scenester spotting game, you got points depending on who you'd scene)

10 Ext: Botanic Gardens
Big Belle and Sebastian gig, with people in the crowd playing Glasgow Indie Eye Spy
video link video link

11 Int: Woodside Social Club
Bowlie takes over, people still playing Glasgow Indie Eyespy

12 Int: Students union, Edinburgh
Data Panik on stage, Plimps back stage, Adam introduces Craig to Dave JJoans, who hands over demo tape

13 Ext: Motorway - night
Craig driving,pulls over to listen to JJoans demo

14 Int: Tchai Ovna, Glasgow
JJoans album launch gig, Craig selling caseloads of the album
video link

15 Int: 13th Note
A promoter (JohnDMc) offers Plimps and Craig the Woodside for a night

16 Ext: Glasgow
Putting up posters all over town for Plimptons club night

17 Int: Woodside Social Club
MJ Hibbett on stage, three people in the crowd, 'Craig' stood at door looking sheepish

18 Int: 13th Note basement
The London Loves on stage (Pnos no longer in the band), Plimps, JJoanses and 'Craig' in crowd

19 Int: 'Craig's Bedroom
Montage of Last Night From Glasgow webcasts with various bands playing in 'Craig's bedroom
video link

20 Ext: Glasgow
Craig and bands getting drunk round town during the day

21 Int: Cottiers - night
Band formerly from Last Night From Glasgow now on stage.

22 Int: 'Craig's bedroom - night
Something on computer screen, 'Craig' necking bottle of vodka

23 Ext: motorway - day
'Craig' driving, bottle of vodka by his side
video link

24 Ext: Ditch by motorway - day
'Craig' wakes up in drivers seat, car has drifted off road

25 Ext: Buffalo Bar, London - evening
People queuing up, 'Craig' drives past

27 Int: Buffalo Bar
The London Loves on stage, people in crowd, 'Craig' stood at back, weeping
video link

Its not much of a story, but it has its moments. I dunno whether to include things with girlfriends, that's too personal, but would make some of scenes thread together better. And should I include The Owsley Sunshine? Or would they be superfluous to the story?

Or even, should I just scratch out all the real bands and use made-up ones like Stillwater and Humble Pie?

Greetings from 2006

I've fallen through a hole in the space-time continuum and I'm writing this from 2006, or it sure feels like it.

Disaster struck at work the other day, and for once it wasn't work related. I dropped my Blackberry, the trackerball fell out, and the wee chromed ring bit rolled off under a cage. I managed to recover all the bits, but I was quite distraught.

Somehow it still worked, I called up the nice people at Orange and they said they'd send me a new one if I paid £60. I said I'd think about it.

Luckily the internet told me that the trackerball is just held in by magnets. So I popped it back in, making sure everything was the right way round and it worked, almost as good as new.

Until the next day when none of the keys worked. People would phone, I couldn't answer. Emails would come through, I couldn't read. Blogging needed to be done and couldn't be.

The internet had the answer this time too, moisture had gotten into the phone, and sticking it in front of a hairdrier would fix it, sometimes.

So I gave it a try, the keys came back to life, I called my attractive young ladyfriend to assure her I was still alive. Then the keys died again, and no amount of hair-drying would fix it.

My sim card is now in my old 2006 Nokia, the battery life is about six hours, and it doesn't do email or internetting.

All the stored phone numbers from the last three years have been lost, so I just have the number of people who I was still in touch with in 2006. Hello ladies.

The great and tedious saga of me trying to get an internet connection of my own, as documented previously here, as drawn to an uncomfortable close as I've abandoned the plan of getting my Ubuntu netbook online and had to settle for my old cranky desktop computer which takes half an hour to boot up.

When it finds an internet connection, all by itself it loads up MSN messenger/Live messenger. Does anyone still use that? I fear not.

On the way walking to work, through Wembley, there's a wee independent computer game shop, in the window on Monday I noticed amongst the preowned PS3s and XBox 360s, they had a preowned original Xbox, only £15. Now way back in another life I used to test AV and hifi systems and we got an Xbox at work, I used to spend weeks and weeks playing Project Gotham Racing, nipping round Edinburgh and Stockholm, and now this was my chance to get back.

Alas, when I went in the shop, it had been sold. Still it would have been just like 2006.

On Sunday I wandered out to the Hangover Lounge at The Lexington, where in with the chilled out music, it was also Scrabble Club, hosted by Ken Chu. I hadn't seen him in months. I couldn't help but think, there's few people more 2006 than Ken Chu, bless 'im.

This is what the past feels like.

Hopefully a courier should be bringing round my replacement Blackberry this evening, and the nightmare can start to end.

Big Blue walking left to right

Here's a rip of Lauren Laverne gushing about my website, accompanied by a video of Big Blue walking from left to right

I haven't been this excited about being mentioned on the radio since I Mark Radcliffe read out my emails in 1996 when he reckoned that Transformers were 90's rather than 80's.

The dramatic return of Glasgow Indie EyeSpy

Years ago I used to run a website called Glasgow Indie EyeSpy. It's premise was that you got points for spotting folk from Glasgow indie bands in Glasgow, in the street or at gigs.

The reason I mention this now is because on this morning's Lauren Laverne Show on 6Music, as part of their Indie Travel Guide slot, a gentleman called Tony Kienan mentioned the site and I got a wee blip of unexpected traffic.

Aye, about 55 minutes in here.

Whilst I did have doubts that it would become a stalker's charter, it was broadly well received, and received a tonne of traffic for bands searching for themselves.

I had a party once at my flat in Glasgow's leafy south side, and found myself chatting to the King of Partick and Robbie from IoMoPS about who'd you include in a Glasgow music scene Top Trumps and what the scoring would be. A few weeks later it had evolved into EyeSpy and include mostly folk you always see at gigs rather than a list of bands.

Whilst it was a great idea for a website, it was never going to be mega-popular, its constituency of visitors was too small. Sure you could repeat the exercise for other cities, but that would be a whole lot of work and it doesn't scale well.

Glasgow is a city of a specific size, all distances are walkable within reason. Decent venues are close enough together so you can cover lots of ground in one night. Not like London, where once you're in Brixton or Shoreditch, or Kilburn, you're there for the night. In Glasgow the indie band people are ubiquitous, from Stephen Pastel selling records in Mono, uncle Brendan from Teenage Fanclub lounging in the 13th Note to seeing Camera Obscura playing records at The Flying Duck, in one afternoon.

Although I once saw Penelope Keith near the Serpentine and Andrea Spinks in Brick Lane in the same day, its hardly the same thing. It wouldn't work.

In Glasgow you can pencil in twenty minutes to get home after any gig anywhere in the city, for London its more like an hour, or two hours if you go by bus.

Maybe Manchester's the right size for this sort of thing, I dunno, its been fifteen years since I indulged that music scene.

If I were to pick up the batton once more, I'd use Songkick and Last.fm data, rather than the old google, myspace and technorati algorithm.

Hmm, maybe "London Indiepop EyeSpy" would work...

Tied to the 00's #15

Way back in the mists of time, at the start of the 00's, I was the life and soul of Strathclyde University.

In our first photie you can see Simon dressed as a vicar for the 2000 Halloween party taken in the Fusion Radio offices.

The second photie is from a German beer party in the Barony Bar, I think that was the coolest hairstyle I've ever had, check out those sideburns ladies.

The third photie is from the 2000 RAG Christmas dinner, I was just involved with charities enough to get invited. Half them peoples in the picture are on my Facebook friends list, but I don't speak to them half as much as I ought to.

Tied to the 00's #14

This one time towards the end of 2006, Rachel was back up in Glasgow and a few of us met up in a pub on Great Western Road. I dunno about you but it was a weird night for me.


I think it was StereoDonut who made gingerbread men, one of them looked like Robbie.

Tied to the 00's #12

In the absence of any decent photies of me from 2005, this is from the New Years party that Idles arranged at Mental Sarah's back then.

Mostly Bowlie folk from all over the world, I vaguely recall around the moment this photo was taken either Dave in the Dumps or Radar was playing The Divine Comedy's 'My Lovely Horse'.

We'd all met up at The crnrvn beforehand, and whilst I hadn't specifically been invited to the party, at the time I was under a secret alias known only to a few, anyhoo, I just hung around in the pub until folk were heading off to the party, my old Ford Fiesta parked nearby, and then offered my taxi driving services.

God knows precisely how we got seven fully grown men in a Fiesta, but we did and we got to Mental Sarah's house.

Job Opportunity

Whilst I love my job, the hours are killing me, the night shifts especially. My whole life for the past fifteen years has been about live music, and I just can't go to gigs if I have to get up for 6am or start/finish work at 10pm, so I've been looking for job vacancies.

Unlike my previous desperate measure of using agencies, I've been checking websites of manufacturing companies I actually want to work for and wandered back to the vacancies page at Linn Products, who I previously worked for from 2002 to 2007 as a manufacturing engineer.

Linn have are advertising the position of Digital Marketing Communications Executive. This is something I'd love to do, but sadly they ask for some appropriate qualifications of which I have none apart from the fact that you are reading this right now.

So I thought I'd demonstrate my complete unsuitability for the job by blogging about it here.

I loved working for Linn, they're a great manufacturing company, they know how to do IT right and they truly believe in what they're doing in high end audio. It still amazes me that the stuff I was doing listening tests with was the best audio quality in the world, me.

Their website has improved vastly since I last checked it, with some rather busy user forums and the MD Gilad having a blog there. He says some interesting stuff to, like declaring that the CD is dead, and streaming is where its at, and how for Linn vinyl is outliving CD.

Whilst the last time I saw Gilad was probably the day they sent us all home, May 2007, the last time I remember seeing him is in the street, down the way from the Alldays in Kelvinbridge. I spied him in the distance, and kind of didn't want to bump into my boss outside work Mr Burns style, I nipped into Alldays to hide. To conceal my true reasons for hiding in the shop I had to buy something and all I could great was on of those huge 1Kg Dairy Milk bars. And so I was nibbling on the corner of it when I wandered back outside again, bumping into Gilad. I ran away muttering something about really needing chocolate.

I could however be confusing Gilad with Colin from The Smittens.


I reckon they're lookalikes. Here, check out this video, same body language and everything.

Crazy stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.

So, they were always trying new management things at Linn, Six Sigma and the five S's. They had this neat problem solving scheme where any problem could be classed at N, P or T. Where the solution to the problem was Not within your control, Partially within your control and Totally within your control. I that that was it.

We had weekly appraisal things, where you had to set yourself goals and report on your progress, like learning Python or writing a test plan. One of my goals was to do a company blog, and after months of reporting to my team leader that no progress had bee made, that the marketing team had been blanking me or just gazing blankly when I mentioned the internet, I figured it was actually a T-type problem. Setting up a blog was entirely under my control.

For a week or so, my appraisal progress was going great, traffic to the hi-fi engineer blog was slow, but slowly growing. Until one day I put up some photos a designer had sent me of a new product, the Keel, being manufactured. Its a solid lump of aluminium, machined so that it's the record player armboard and bearing housing thing. When those pics went online the blog started to get traffic from the hi-fi messageboards.

In the first hours first it was a few hundred hits, I could see the locations spreading as daylight hit the continents. When the traffic got into the thousands, I got scared. The marketing folk didn't know about this, they weren't going to be pleased. I tried telling my team leader, but he didn't really get the urgency of the situation, so I emailed higher and higher up the company structure until a message came back for me to shut down the website, make it go away.

I tried, but then the hi-fi forums started to go on about its sudden disappearance.

Oh, the whole episode was a mess.

I got in trouble, it wasn't quite a disciplinary thing cos I'd been quite open about it all, giving regular reports, and asking permission before posting stuff. Its just that I was a lowly test design engineer, trying to do marketing stuff.

And a few months later I was one of the 30% of employees who were made redundant.

And that's why I'm here today, working the night shift at a sandwich factory in Wembley on a Saturday night.

I should be wandering home from How Does It Feel or Little League.

Also, it won't really help that I slung this video up on YouTube of me practising levitation in a demonstration room at Linn. It was a Saturday morning, I had to test a load of 3K-arrays for the Artikulat speakers and I was bored. Then again, the folks at Linn's IP address already know about that one.

On the plus side demonstrating any suitability for the role of Digital Marketing Communications Executive, my blog has more subscribers that their managing director's. (23 subscribers to 7 subscribers). Although I don't for a second imagine that mine gets more traffic, just that mine has more people who want to read it regularly. Yeah, how do you like dem apples.

Kitten

I'm in Starbucks. Cappucino, chocolate cake, rather drained.

I ran out of petrol in Hampstead and had to push my car to a parking space before wandering a mile towards Belsize to find a petrol station. Can of petrol long walk back to car, crisis over.

The Just Joans always make me think of this girl I used to know. Their first ever gig when it was just Dave and just Chris, we went there together. There's a video on YouTube and bootleg of the show I can still hear her in the audience when the tracks come on random.

The first Just Joans EP on WeePop had a track called Bellshill station about a girl left in Scotland whilst her boyfriend went away to London. It was the other way round for me and her. But the track encapsulates the sentiment perfectly.

A year later, I headed to London myself, but we were too far apart. I'm not the most gregarious of people, I'm crap at staying in touch. But with her I made a conscious effort not to, what right would I have to call her up or send a text, to stride back into her life regardless of what she was doing. On the latest Just Joans EP Love and Other Hideous Accidents there's a track called Let's Not Stay In Touch, I think its the same sentiment.

We saw each other once or twice, but that was it.

We never hung out in London, we never went to the pub or chilled in a park in the sunshine. We never watched DVDs together, falling asleep on my settee. We never saw each other in a club and got hideously drunk. We never plotted and schemed, and went crazy, the regular poker and scrabble nights never happened. We never bumped into each other in the street or Tesco and shared a lift home. We never borrowed tupperware or swapped recipes. We were never just in the neighbourhood and popped in for a brew. I never said goodbye.

I'm going to miss the remote chance of any of that happening. We're in different cities now.

Chateau Lait

Over on Spectator's Coffeehouse, some journo was getting all uppity cos the Scottish Parliament had taken offence that he'd referred to Castlemilk and Easterhouse as 'scummy', and then over on Labour MP Tom Harris's blog it got a bit of coverage too

I would love Fraser to visit Castlemilk (in my constituency, as it happens) and see for himself its transformation from an estate with huge problems in the ’70s and ’80s, to one of the most vibrant communities in the city. Yes, there is still a high level of benefit claimants there, just as the Conservatives planned back in the ’80s. But it really is a bit rich for Fraser to criticise Labour for not having been able (yet) to repair all the damage done by his party.

Me, I've worked in Castlemilk, production engineer at Linn Products, and sticking my nose in at the aluminium machining factory next door. Ah, those were the days. When I still had a job. Must have been 2002 to 2007.

The area always seemed a bit barren, and well, scummy, all boring housing and discarded children's toys, soulless even. Maybe they have poured millions into building arts centres and community projects, but isn't that like just to keep people entertained and distracted, Commodus and his gladiatorial games.

What folk need is jobs and people are quite capable of making them and making their own, given encouragement, and grants and stuff. Its just if you make it difficult or complicated or tedious to start a business or run a business, then people won't bother.

And if you happen to be the authority and the power that's been elected to make the area a better place, there shouldn't be anything stopping you other than your own will.

Can I open my cafe now?

**UPDATE**
More on this from the Coffeehouse

We’ve had 12 years of Labour. As one of the commentators on his blog put it: how many decades does he want? Britain won a world war in six years.

Of course, money can’t change it – only welfare reform can. If a child grows up seeing worklessness (55% of children in Castlemilk grow up in a workless household, 48% in Easterhouse), then the chances of them breaking out of this poverty cycle are slim. In America, the problem of the black ghetto is well known. Ditto the French banlieues. But British welfare ghettos are mysteriously invisible to the political class, airbrushed out of the official data. Then people like Gordon Brown claim they have ceased to exist. I have long considered Harris one of the better Scottish Labour MPs in that he’s aware of the problem, and will admit that these massive construction projects in Glasgow didn’t do much for local unemployment because they had to bus people in. He actually knows how many in his constituency are on out- of-work benefits – 12,000. If they all vote, that’s 20% of his electorate. After ten years of Labour’s “social justice” I wonder why he thinks his figure is so scandalously high? Where did all that anger go, that so animated him in the 1980s? Perhaps he really does still blame Thatcher