18th of October again

It broke me, all these years.

I failed.

Here, this is what I wrote in my teenage diary the next day in 1995, subsequently transcribed into my 2005 blog

Im pretty sure that explaining it here, what's on my mind, won't help in the slightest, it never has done, after thirteen years. I have nothing to show for for it all.

Yearning, heartache, longing, terror, insecurity, shyness, bitterness, moodswings.

There's something inate which I can't do, I am unable to do, I don't have the skillset for.

I'm typing this now at quarter to nine on a Saturday night, wondering, once more, if I should go to HDIF or Twee As Fuck. But even that kind of gives away the problem. "Should I go" to either of these indie club nights, rather than "Do I want to go".

Want to recreate the scene in my head in real-life, and in my head is a replaying of what happened that night in October '95. Not the same venue or the same bands, the same people, the same faces, the same music, but its the vibe I'm seeking, the excitement, the sweat, the emotions. It ain't coming back, going to these places ain't going to bring it.

So yeah, what I'm missing...

In a month or so I'll be putting up the 1,000th pic on the nuddy chicks site. Its a bit of a milestone and it's going to mark the end of that glorious quest, my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I'm laid to my rest.

I had a wee plan to get a book printed up, via lulu.com, some kind of tangible and transferable artefact, but that plan has gone awry, and its not going to be ready in time. So what else? A party perhaps.

Here, The Londonist blog had a 4th Birthday party the other day at some pub in town, going by the twitter reports it was quite fun, and elsewhere people have birthday parties for themselves, friends and loved ones gathered round seemingly at the drop of a hat.

I am absolutely certain there is no way on earth I am able to motivate friends, loved ones or even complete strangers to come out for me to a pub or art gallery for the reason of my 1,000th drawing.

Or for my birthday even.