Cafe

I was in Camden, in the Oh Bar, where I usually go on quiet days to read a Sunday paper or a book and drink coffee, brandy and some times chips if the kitchen's open. The sun shone brightly outside, Friday night had been fun and Saturday had been interesting.

Something has afflicted me, is that even the right word? I wandered into three supermarkets, a nagging feeling in the back of my head that I hadn't eaten in a little longer than is healthy and that I ought to buy food. But in each supermarket, nothing struck me as appetising, I'd half reach out to pick up something, then think the better of it. Frustration at my inability to feed myself lead me to give up.

The angry, jealousy and frustration of last week reclaimed me, I could no longer read, my mind racing as I listlessly turned the pages. Rejoining in my head a previous conversation with Fiona, its not the approach of thirty or getting older that is killing me, its the singularity, its glancing up everywhere and seeing couples, folk together, maybe not having the best of times, maybe gazing into each other's eyes, maybe cheating on their loved ones, who knows, but they are not alone.

I look back at my paper, remembering previous weeks in the same place, doing the same thing, to no end, just on my own.

It wasn't always like this.

Wasn't it?

I think back and just remember the same thing, different country, same paper, same drink, same bar.

It wasn't always like this. I think back to relationships wot I have been in.

'Ages ago' and now long gone, moved on without me.

Is it the sitting in the Bar Oh/13th Note/Night and Day, reading my paper/book/comic whilst drinking coffee/brandy/Guinness/orange juice which makes me so alone, or is it being alone that brings me to this place?

Hmph, faulty understanding of cause and effect there.

I'm just damned.

And it makes me choke.

Sometimes.

Sometimes it makes me channel creative energies, drop whatever I'm doing and travel hundreds of miles to say hi, or log on to some online shop and buy random stuff, to do things and stuff.

I've run out of money.