Sunday, 20 June 2010

Doctor Who's Pandorica

For half the episode I was convinced that the Pandorica was going to turn out to be the Tardis in bootstrap mode. When River Song was trapped in it, and trying to get out at at the same time as the Pandorica was starting to open, it would almost make sense to have her tumble out.

The alliance of Doctor Who's enemies has been done before, many times, for example The Dalek's Master Plan and that crap Children in Need 3D special from 1993. I always think its corny and unrealistic in the great scheme of intergalactic diplomacy, then again, we have The Quartet dealing with Israel in real life so maybe.

Anyhoo, elsewhere on the internet people are moaning about Doctor Who being a monster of the week, magic reset button, doesn't have to make sense kind of program. Is it possible for the produces to buck the trend and change things?

Could The Doctor really spend the next episode and maybe the entire next series and possibly 2,000 years of storytime locked in a box? Maybe He's been rapidly aged a couple of times before, so maybe they could just lock the Pandorica and then open it again in the present day and out he steps without missing a beat.

Could it be setting up the Doctor to do the next series without a Tardis? For years during Pertwee's reign as the Doctor, the Tardis didn't work, it was just part of the set in UNIT's HQ.

Why does the voice saying 'silence must fall' sound like Davros? That doesn't quite make sense, cos he'd be well up for the destruction of the universe, likewise with The Master, that's all they're ever after these days,

Actually that does make me a little sad, each series of the new Doctor Who, seems to end with a plot or a scheme to destroy the earth, the human race, the galaxy, the universe or all of reality itself, its kind of small minded and does away with a rich tapestry of potential story ideas. Like the old two factions of Daleks at war with each other, regardless of the Doctor, whereby Earth was just an incidental theatre. Even the serial/movie of The Dalek Invasion of Earth was about turning the earth into a spaceship and driving across the universe in search of new adventures.

I think its the way the stories in Doctor Who now revolve around the Doctor being the centre of the universe, rather than just him being a small man resolving the problems of the universe a small step at a time.

Even the Dalek's obsession with the Doctor seems a bit irrational considering how big the universe is, couldn't they just avoid him?

So, what happens in next week's episode?

Doctor escapes for the Pandorica when no one's looking using some kind of nutella-based eye-lasers, uses some kind of teleporter made out of custard-creams to swap River Song and the not quite dead yet Milly Pond. She spills custard and fish fingers on the Tardis, causing it to go back to the start of the universe, whereupon it explodes. The Tardis is the big bang. Doctor gets stabbed by a melting plastic Roman Legionnaire, and regenerates to become River Song. The two identical River Songs make out for a while, whilst timey wimey yellow energy anally rapes them like tentacle porn, eventually spunking custard and the two of them merge together like that time at the end of Logopolis when Tom Baker makes out with the mysterious figure in white and became Peter Davison, but this time for confectionery-based reasons they regenerate back into Matt Smith's Doctor.

A naked, but very much alive Rory is pulled out of a pool of melty plastic, and joins the doctor for a very homoerotic next series.


  1. tThree theories spring to mind:

    1. The mysterious external force controlling the TARDIS was actually the Doctor, who installed some form of failsafe to be activated in the event he was never heard from again - possibly soon after he found that charred bit of the front sign in the dimensional crack. This would fit the Sontaran General's assertion that "only the Doctor can pilot the TARDIS", with the fact that Dr River Song was having a go being irrelevant (as she was clearly not in control). The destruction of the TARDIS would then trigger some form of multi-versal reboot in the aftermath of the Eschaton we witnessed, with the Doctor inserting a piece of trojan code (the missing ducks?) which brings Amy back to life, saves River Song, frees him from the Pandorica and, most importantly, gets Rory out of that disturbing armour.

    2. Rose's dad appears just as the Pandorica shuts and chucks a laser screwdriver in. Meanwhile, Rose pops out of a smugglers hatch in the TARDIS with a fire extinguisher and Peter Petrelli flies in to bring Amy back to life (oh, sorry, wrong universe...).

    Or option 3. - it's all a dream.

    Anyway, we know it must all work out OK in the end as that episode with the Byzantium / Angels is clearly in Dr River Song's future (note she said "see you at the opening of the Pandorica", indicating she remembered it so it was in her past) and she wasn't surprised to see him/the TARDIS or Amy in that episode. And going further back/forward, there's the episode in the library where she's attained Professor status, still in her future...

  2. OK, so I was wrong about Rose's dad - who'd've thought it would be the Doc himself who pitched up to throw the sonic screwdriver into the Pandorica...

    Kinda right about the dream bit though, and the bit about the Eschaton (TARDIS) amd the reboot (BB2) and the trojan code (Amy) and the armour (Rory)!

    Still not entirely convinced by the circumstances whereby the Doctor actually managed to escape the Pandorica - how does he get out first time?